Legolas Greenleaf's Diary
by Mary-Lou1
Summary: And, in my first fanfic, I will present the views of elf-boy in a Bridget Jones-esque style, complete with Orc Deathometer.
1. Rivendell to Nimrodel

OK, I know it's highly improbable that any member of the Fellowship kept a diary, but I wanted to write one so I did (and hey, lots of fics are improbable).

Note: 'Tis based on books and film, so some things that happened but were edited from film are included. I use the timeline from the appendices at the end of Return of the King. 

**October 25th, 3018 - Rivendell**

_Secret council meetings attended: 1; No. of Orcs killed: 0, but no Orcs to kill, so v. good as have not started hallucinating that I'm being attacked like Haldir did after smoking hobbit weed...oops, told to keep that secret, especially as Galadriel still doesn't know who put all those arrow holes in her newly decorated walls; no. of evil Rings seen: 1, but there is only 1 so this is also v. good; no. of times I yelled at Boromir: 2, excellent. _

Council of Elrond. Am in trouble, as had to admit to losing Gollum. Well, not me, it was the stupid guards, don't know why they let him climb that bloody tree. Don't know what my father was thinking, hiring those idiots...anyway, had to tell Elrond that we'd lost Gollum. Just as Aragorn was going on about how Gollum was 'safely kept by the watchful Elves of Mirkwood'. Felt so guilty and everything that I over reacted slightly (actually used the word 'alas', damn), then lost it and yelled at Boromir (not that he didn't DESERVE it) when he slagged off Aragorn. Ch, you'd think the Steward of Gondor's son would recognise Aragorn, son of Arathorn when he saw him. Not only did he not recognise him, he had the nerve to disbelief me...ME! But Gandalf told him off so I'm happy.

The Ring must be destroyed, says Gandalf and he knows everything and is even older than Elrond and Galadriel put together (possibly). Gimli, stupid Dwarf, tried to use his axe on the Ring, but axe shattered. Hard put not to burst out laughing, but is serious issue so must keep straight face and act like responsible Elf of 2,631. Showed responsibility by stopping friends from punching stupid Dwarves. Not that I didn't want to punch stupid Dwarves myself, but would get in even more trouble so had to refrain.

Amidst all the chaos of Elves, Dwarves and Men arguing, that little guy Frodo agreed to take Ring to Mordor. Think he may be a little bit insane. Think I am also insane as have agreed to go with him. In fact, I think the following...people, for want of better word, are also insane, as have also agreed to go with him: Aragorn, Gandalf, Gimli (stupid Dwarf), Boromir (arrogant git), Sam, Merry and Pippin. Elrond called us the Fellowship of the Ring. Have been looking in dictionary to see if there is a word which means 'group made up of lunatics' which can replace 'Fellowship'.

**December 25th, 3018 - Rivendell and onwards**

_(Since last entry) No. of times Bilbo sang a stupid song: 345; No. of Orcs killed: 0, but, again, no Orcs; No. of times I yelled at Boromir: 3, haven't been near him much recently; No. of times Elrond yelled at me: 1, but lasted 1/2 hour._

Finally left Rivendell. Have had to put up with Bilbo singing songs and reciting anecdotes for two months, TWO MONTHS! Enough to make any Elf pull his hair out, provided he didn't mind the effect this would have on his looks. Anyway, have had enough of story about Bilbo going to Lonely Mountain and back, esp. as he said some rude things about my father and his drinking habits. I know my father's a gold-obsessed alcoholic, but only I'M allowed to say that.

Elrond yelled at me about Gollum escaping. As I tried to point out, I wasn't responsible for letting him out to go tree-climbing, but would he listen? Nooooo! Elrond said a lot about the fact that Mirkwood Elves are blond. He's just bitter because he's brunette and the one time he tried to bleach his hair it all fell out.

As I said, we left Rivendell at last. Took ages to arrange everything, particularly which way we were going. Also, Aragorn was sulking because he had to leave Arwen again. Stupid Aragorn. And Gimli's been going on about how great the Mines of Moria are and that his cousin Balin will welcome us wonderfully. Yeah, 'cos Elves and Dwarves get along so well. Must resist urge to kick Gimli.

Left at dusk, heading for Gap of Rohan, even though it's close to Isengard and Saruman is now evil. Disliked Saruman anyway, as he is Elfist. Also, spends too much on manicures and washing detergent.

**January 8th, 3019 - weird group of stones**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0, damn._

Black crows are spying on us for Saruman. Relatively original choice of spies, but why are the evil ones using so much black recently? Is it the In colour?

**January 10th, 3019 - mountains, somewhere**

_No. of schizo moments of Boromir: 1, worrying in itself; No. of Orcs killed: still 0, am getting fed up with this._

As result of those crows yesterday, have to go over Caradhras. Have to climb over snow, and am being slowed down by everyone who can't walk on snow like an Elf because am the only Elf. Ha! Am so much better than them.

Also, Boromir is being corrupted by the Ring, tried to take it from Frodo. Well, not take it, as crazy hobbit didn't fasten the chain safely around his neck and it and the Ring fell off. All Boromir had to do was pick it up and have a totally schizophrenic moment. Aragorn this close to unsheathing sword and threatening Boromir, but schizo moment didn't last that long.

**January 11th, 3019 - Caradhras**

_Have time to total up the journey so far, the results are thus - No. of miles walked: too many to count; No. of annoying hobbits to deal with: 2, Merry and Pippin; No. of stupid comments stupid Dwarf Gimli made: 34; No. of Orcs killed: 0, need to kill something or will use Gimli as target practice (would this be a bad thing?)._

Am stuck on mountain. Am fed up. Am seriously reconsidering deciding to take this journey. Am also seriously reconsidering my sanity.

But am only one who can walk on snow, so am smug.

**January 12th, 3019 - foot hills, somewhere**

_No. of times tried not to laugh at those who can't walk on snow: lost count; No. of times I chased the sun: 1, definitely insane; No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of times I 'accidentally' shot Gimli: 1, and his armour got in way._

Finally off of mountains, but now going to Moria. Frodo decided to go there, idiotic hobbit that he is. Still, must grin and bear it, as am Elf and meant to find joy in everything. Ha! Anyone who thinks that should see my father with a hangover.

Took out anger at thought of journey in dark (do not like caves, no Elves do really) and all those Dwarves guzzling ale and making Elfist comments by 'accidentally' shooting Gimli. It was an accident. I had my bow strung and loaded in case something evil popped up and my finger slipped and I accidentally got Gimli. Bounced off his armour but the fuss he's making you'd think I'd killed him.

**January 13th, 3019 - Moria (bugger)**

_No. of wolves killed: 24, I think; No. of Orcs killed: 0, but got to shoot at wolves, so am feeling less homicidal; No. of big lake monsters killed: 1, go me!; No. of dead Dwarves found: didn't get a chance to count them properly, at least a dozen._

I FINALLY GOT TO SHOOT SOMETHING!!!!! LOTS OF THINGS! EVERYONE NOW SEES HOW GOOD AT ARCHERY I AM, AFTER THEY'D TEASED ME FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO USE A SWORD AND ONLY HAVING TWO KNIVES.

In other news, went into Moria. Took ages to get in because there was a riddle and Gandalf couldn't solve it. Then Frodo had the nerve to ask Gandalf for an ELVISH word. Hello, I'm an Elf, Elvish is my first language, ask me, I know! 

Got into mines and found lots of dead Dwarves, killed by Orcs. Tried not to be happy about this, but I was, on two counts: 1) shut Gimli up for a bit about how great Dwarves are; 2) there are Orcs here, more stuff for me to shoot. I was also happy that I got to shoot a big lake monster, though less than happy to find myself stuck in mines. At least Frodo managed to remember to put his necklace on properly, so it didn't fall off when he was hanging upside down. It would have been absolutely brilliant for us if he'd lost it in the lake.

**January 15th, 3019 - Nimrodel**

_No. of dead Fellowship members: 1, Gandalf, problem; No. of Orcs killed: lost count, am nearly out of arrows and got to show that you can kick arse with two knives just as well (if not better) as with a sword; No. of cave trolls killed: 1, and I got to dodge the chain it was flailing about and ride on its back for a bit, proving that Elves have good reflexes and balance. All in all, a satisfying day...except for Gandalf dying._

Out of Moria at last. Gimli has finally stopped going on about how wonderful the mines are. I wonder what could've stopped him! Could it be:

a) all his relatives have been killed by Orcs

b) WE were nearly all killed by Orcs and a big cave troll (which I killed, ha!)

c) the stupid Dwarves had dug too deep and woken a Balrog. Made an idiot of myself by being scared of Balrog but, come on! Elves and Demons do not get on, it's an ingrained fear from when we're little: "behave or the Balrog will get you!". Anyway, Gandalf fought it then fell to his doom. If Gimli hadn't been so bloody insistent about the mines, we wouldn't've had to go in them. Sure Frodo didn't know they existed. 

Stupid Dwarves.

_Half an hour later_

Stupid Dwarves.

Dare I ask for reviews? Yep.


	2. Lothlorien to Parth Galen

Thank you to everyone who reviewed the first part, the response was actually quite overwhelming (I was expecting a couple of reviews at most). This part is written as my relief after the Chemistry exam I failed this morning - don't know the results yet, but I got a real sense of foreboding about that thing. Now, on with the fic...

Before I forget (again): I don't own Lord of the Rings, the books are J.R.R. Tolkien's and the film is New Line's and Peter 'I've just made the best film EVER' Jackson's. This means that I don't own Legolas *sulks for a bit over that one*.

**January 16th, 3019 - Lothlorien**

_No. of Orcs killed: still 0, none in Lothlorien; No. of times Gimli looked like idiot: 3, YES!; No. of times Aragorn told me off for being stubborn: 1, still sulking; No. of times Haldir avoided me because of 'hobbit weed incident': lots._

Reached Lorien yesterday, saw river Nimrodel and sang a song about it. Now everyone knows that I CAN sing; it isn't just the hobbits that burst into song when they feel like it. Ooh, thought: if Fellowship fails, can become group of travelling minstrels.

Met up with Haldir again. Wanted to applaud him for giving Gimli such a shock, even if he did sound pretty damn camp when he said that Dwarves breathe so loudly they can be shot in the dark. Noticed that he focussed all his attention on Aragorn rather than me, the only Elf in the Fellowship who not only belongs to his race, speaks his language and has been to Lothlorien before (in the dim and distant past, if such a thing exists for Elves) but who was present for 'hobbit weed incident'. Ah, mystery solved! He's afraid I'll, er, grass him up. And here I was just thinking he has a crush on Aragorn...

Had to go blindfold through forest, just because Haldir didn't want Gimli to know the way and Gimli was so stubborn that Aragorn ended up insisting that we ALL go blindfold. When I protested because I'm an Elf, he told me off for being stubborn. Won't mention that I've been here before and all ready know way, Gimli will only start swearing in Dwarvish again.

Gimli was scared out of his wits about meeting Galadriel. All those rumours about her being evil and twisted are so much Dwarf bread, but many non-Elves insist on believing them. Gimli, however, is now completely mad about Galadriel and starting to rethink his ideas about Elves. Should I be worried?

Not all of the Fellowship were as enamoured as Gimli, though. Boromir as good as whimpered like a baby. Hmm, wonder why that is? Could it have something to do with him wanting the Ring? Honestly, I can't believe he thinks we don't know!

Am now sitting alone, listening to the other Elves singing a lament to Gandalf. Well, trying not to listen. I've all ready told the others that I'm not translating it because it's too upsetting for me and I meant it. I can hear the hobbits snoring their little heads off (anyone know who Farmer Maggot is? He might be interested to know that Merry talks in his sleep and has confessed to a string of vegetable thefts) and Aragorn and Boromir discussing the White City. Think Boromir is coming round to idea that, yes, Aragorn is king and that, yes, Boromir is below him in status. Still, it's a private conversation, so I won't listen.

And now all I can hear is the lament...

Think happy thoughts, think happy...hobbit weed.

Haldir.

He's been ignoring me all day. I'm the only one who knows that he was the one who ruined all of Galadriel's newly painted walls by shooting a load of arrows into them. To get revenge on him for ignoring me and making me look stupid in front of the Fellowship - I tried to make conversation with him, he studiously ignored me - I will record the 'incident'. This way, if anything happens to me, memory will still be preserved.

The 'hobbit weed incident' or 'when Haldir got high'

Lothlorien, 2063

Haldir had obtained some hobbit weed from somewhere, no idea where and don't really want to know anyway. He's 500 years older than me and tried to use this small advantage to exert peer pressure on me.   
Haldir: "Come on, Greenleaf, smoke some."   
Me: "No."   
Haldir: "Why not?"   
Me: "I was told not to."   
Haldir: "Oh, stop being such a goodie-goodie."   
Me: "I'm not! Look, there must be a REASON why Elves don't smoke and - "   
Haldir: *has taken a long drag while I've been talking; he blows the smoke into the air whilst trying not to cough*   
Me: " - I bet we're about to find out what that reason is."   
Haldir: *glassy eyed*   
Me: "Are you OK? Should I get Galadriel? Or Celeborn?"   
Haldir: *wild-eyed, points over my shoulder* "YRCH!"   
Me: *springing up, spinning round and notching an arrow to bow string, all in one movement I might add* "ORCS! Where?"   
Haldir: "THERE!"   
Me: "There's nothing there!"   
Haldir: "We're under attack! Orcs are attacking us!"   
Me: "Haldir, they're not, trust me! And - eep!"   
Haldir: *firing arrows left, right and centre, yelling "YRCH!" as he does so. He's completely out of it and has mistaken walls for Orcs. Galadriel's gonna need more paint*   
Me: "Oh, crap..."

There, have recorded incident for prosperity. Now, need to 'sleep' and can as lament has finally stopped.

**February 1st, 3019 - still in Lothlorien**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of new arrows: plenty; No. of times Gimli's followed me: enough to freak me out; No. of times I found Sam trying to teach the other Hobbits Elvish: 1, then I offered to help him. He knows a surprising amount of vocab, but his accent is atrocious..._

Have been spending time with fellow Elves. Some of them fought in Battle of Dagorlad, so plenty of 'interesting' anecdotes to listen to. Wasn't alive then and am actually quite glad, not because dislike idea of fighting evil but because sounds quite boring if warrior's tales are anything to go by. If I hear one more story starting 'so there I was, shoulder to shoulder with Elrond, ready to face down Sauron himself...' I'll...well, I'm not really sure but it'll be pretty drastic.

To top off these wonderful warrior's tales I've been subjected to, Gimli's been following me. I questioned him about it and he said it was because he wanted to learn more about Elves, as he's reconsidering all his Elfist thoughts. Have agreed to take him with me so he can hear about the Battle from Elvish point of view, maybe he'll get so bored he'll quit stalking me.

**Febraury 2nd, 3019 - yep, still in Lothlorien**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0, were it not so peaceful here I'd start feeling homicidal_

Gimli is still stalking me. Now the others think I'm doing it out of choice. This is partly true, as I want to get those Elfist thoughts out of his head, but I still think he's a stupid Dwarf. Great, am Dwarfist.

**February 14th - Lothlorien, not that I don't like it here, but weren't we on an URGENT mission?**

_No. of Orcs killed: sadly, still 0; No. of times convinced of Frodo's insanity: 2, offered Ring to Galadriel (he's the Ringbearer! He has to keep it himself!) and when he started gibbering on about a big red eye. OH! Get it now, not insane, sorry Frodo, only 1 moment of insanity._

Frodo has looked in mirror of Galadriel, as has Sam. Both seemed pretty panicky about the whole thing. Apparently, Frodo offered the Ring to Galadriel, but she didn't take it, as is Elf and has sense *cough*Boromir*cough*

Talk has finally started about leaving here. Like it here, love it in fact, but dislike fact that world outside is still carrying on, seem to remember something about a Dark Lord rising if a circular golden thing wasn't destroyed.

Galadriel did her 'lets probe inside your mind, little one, and see what we can see' act on me again. Did it too all of us, actually, and, once again, all looked away but me and Aragorn. Want to ask why this is, as am Elf so immune to extensive, er, mind probing. She offered me chance to go home where it is safe or go on where it is danger. I chose danger. I laugh in the face of danger, which does tend to get me into trouble, I admit. 

Gimli: is starting to grow on me. Not such a stupid Dwarf. Actually made intelligent comment yesterday! Has asked if he can share boat with me; surprised myself by saying yes. 

Am quelling Dwarfist tendencies, am improving on perfection.

_Five minutes later_

Am narcissist.

**February 24th - down a river, fortunately with a paddle**

_No. of weird flying black things killed: 1 (I hope); No. of times I saw an eagle: 1, may prove important later on, so am recording it_

We got attacked, again. Think should just carry sign with 'shoot at us!' emblazoned on it.

River is boring, nothing to do. Scenery boring. Being tracked by weird thing called Gollum, Frodo bit worried. Think he's also worried about all the weird looks Boromir's been giving him; methinks Boromir wants the Ring.

As if this isn't enough, a shadow and a threat is building in my mind. Will tell Aragorn. Soon.

**February 25th - Parth Galen**

_No. of big statues seen: 2_

Yep, definitely a shadow and a threat. Must tell Aragorn.

**February 26th - Parth Galen**

Told Aragorn about shadow and threat. Would he listen? Nooo! Nobody listens to the Elf. Have had hard time saying 'I told you so' after today's events:

_No. of dead Fellowship members: 1, Boromir (killed by Uruk-Hai) bringing total to 2; No. of Fellowship members captured: 2, Merry and Pippin (it would be!); No. of Fellowship members allowed to go into MORDOR ALONE: 2, Frodo and Sam (sign of our insanity); Initial analysis of situation: we're screwed._

Boromir's dead, starting to think Fellowship is cursed. He tried to take Ring, I just know it, but Aragorn won't admit it. Don't blame him, doesn't bode well. 

Gave Boromir proper funeral. He'd told Aragorn that Merry and Pippin got captured, so we're going to help them as Frodo and Sam are beyond our reach. Agree with Aragorn: Frodo can fend for himself (provided he remembers to keep the chain round his neck properly secured) and Sam'll look after him. Merry and Pippin's situation worse, will help them.

Am going to hunt some Orc. Will be fun. I'll get to kill stuff.

This concludes the 'film part of the diary'. Should I go on to do Two Towers or leave it here? And, should I ask for reviews? I think so.


	3. Emyn Muil to Edoras

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. Here's the third part, in which I start to put The Two Towers into diary form. It is, naturally, spoilerful for those who haven't read the book, so don't read if you don't want the plot of Two Towers revealed (and there are some MAJOR twists and important plot bunnies in this book).

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR in any way, shape or form. Nor do I own Bridget Jones.

**February 27th (dawn) - Emyn Muil**

_Cannot believe I forgot to do this yesterday, but what with everything that happened can probably be excused, but No. of Orcs killed (yesterday): 57, all time record!; No. of Orcs we're chasing (today): er, let me get back to you on that one, there's a lot; No. of times I didn't say 'I told you so' to Aragorn: 49, he should be thankful; No. of times Gimli said something stupid: 1, when he thought Sauron would use ELVISH runes. Please, so obviously Saruman's doing I'm surprised he didn't get it._

The Motley Crew, the Terrific/Terrible/Terrifying Trio, the Three Kindreds, the Three Hunters - in other, simpler, words, me, Aragorn and Gimli - have set out. It's something of an ego trip: who can run fastest/for longest? Who can see further? Who can put their ear to the ground and hear a leaf fall ten miles away? Big tough guy stuff.

Am not taking part, as am Elf and naturally better than everyone else.

Must rid self of narcissistic tendencies.

Tracking the Orcs easy at first, as they're not the subtlest of creatures. Big ole trail left in forest and over hills, though vanished in one valley. Decided to go north. Correction, Aragorn decided to go north, with Gimli and me in tow.

**February 27th (evening) - Plains**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of dead Orcs found: 5; No. of times Aragorn sang about Gondor: 1, not particularly interesting; No. of positive finds: 1, or possibly 2._

Things are looking up, slightly. At least we found Pippin's footprints and - drum roll, please - his brooch pin. The hobbit has more sense than I gave him credit for, sorry Pippin.

Other news - plains are boring.

**February 28th - Plains, still**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of eagles seen: 1, hmm, was it the same one as I saw before?; No. of leagues travelled over plains: 24; No. of things Aragorn distrusts: from the sound of things, everything. Our leader is paranoid, helpful._

We ran, then we walked, then we ran again. We went a long way but we still haven't caught the Orcs up. Damn.

**February 29th - can you guess? Yes, the Plains, 'nuff said**

_No. of interesting things that happened today: um...er...nope, can't think of anything. _

**February 30th - the PLAINS!!!!! If find hobbits alive, will kill them myself for making us take this boring journey**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0, someone else got there first, am not happy; No. of Riders of Rohan seen: 105; No. of Riders I threatened: 1, he looked pretty damn scared an' all!; No. of leagues we travelled in four days: 45, go us!_

Something actually happened today - we met the Riders of Rohan. There was an interesting exchange of views: Éomer slagged off Galadriel, which pissed off Gimli, who threatened Éomer, who threatened Gimli, so I threatened Éomer and things would have turned pretty nasty had Aragorn not calmed everyone down.

It turns out that those Riders beat us to the Orcs, slaughtered the lot of them and then burned the bodies - so tacky! Best to just leave them to rot. Anyway, the Riders checked all the bodies - would say this was sick, but stole a lot of Orc arrows to replenish own supply - and couldn't find the hobbits. This means that the hobbits have, with any luck, escaped. 

Riders are actually all right, even if they did give new name to Aragorn and not me. Honestly, how many names does he have? Aragorn, Strider, Elessar, Isildur's heir and now Wingfoot. Feel strangely left out with only two names.

Riders gave us nice news: situation seems hopeless, Orcs everywhere.

Éomer leant us horses, other Riders seemed to think he was off his head when he offered, and gave me weird looks when I insisted on riding bare back. Gave me even weirder looks when I said Gimli could ride behind me. Am starting to rethink offer, as he's clinging on for dear life and this makes breathing an issue for me. 

**March 1st - Fangorn, treestreestrees treestreestrees**

_No. of resurrected Fellowship members: 1, bizarre; No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of weird old men seen: 2; No. of horses lost: 2, Éomer's gonna kill us. _

The past twenty-four hours have been weird in the extreme. Fangorn is a nice place, actually, there are a few evil trees in it but they're nowhere near us.

Last night we were visited by Saruman and our horses ran off, so we're in trouble all round: Éomer will slaughter us for losing the horses and Saruman will slaughter us...because he's Saruman.

Then this morning we thought we'd seen Saruman again. There was this weird old man just walking through the forest and Gimli was all "shoot him, Legolas, shoot HIM!", as we thought it was Saruman and shooting him would, admittedly, solve a lot of problems. But I didn't want to shoot him and Aragorn didn't want me to either; he made a point when he said that we can't go round shooting random old men just because they MIGHT be Saruman.

Anyway, weird old man turned out to be Mithrandir! You know, Gandalf! He had a big fight with the Balrog, killed it, died himself and then came back. Am still in shock, thought he was gone forever but is nice to see him alive and looking so well. 

He'd been to Lothlorien and had a message for me from Galadriel:

"Legolas Greenleaf long under tree   
In joy thou hast lived. Beware of the Sea!   
If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore   
Thy heart shall then rest in the forest no more."

No idea what it means, but it's something to puzzle over.

Gandalf also brought the following news: Merry and Pippin are fine and with Fangorn, though he called it Treebeard and meant the Ent, not the forest. I'd like to meet an Ent, would make me feel 200 again. 

Annnnnd, our horses are back. Sigh of relief, was worried about what Éomer would have to say to us, or, rather, Aragorn. They - the horses - met up with Shadowfax, the horse Gandalf 'borrowed' from King Théoden of the Mark, whose something of a king among horses (Shadowfax, not Théoden, this is a v. confusing entry today). Our horses knew he was there and went tearing off to meet him, leaving us in the lurch. However, they're back now, which is good as we have to make haste to get to Edoras, where King Théoden lives, because Saruman is sending an army to crush the Riders.

One last bit of news: _No. of weird black flying things I killed on Feb 24th: 0, actually, I got the horse but didn't get it. It=Nazgûl, they're back, if they were ever gone._

**March 2nd - Edoras**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0, but off to a battle so will be killing lots soon; No. of traitors spotted and dealt with: 1, v. good for Gandalf_

Got off to shaky start at Edoras as Théoden still annoyed at Gandalf for 'borrowing' horse. Didn't help that his advisor was filling his head with lies and slander, because was actually working for Saruman. However, Gandalf won the little war of words, though he did use lightning as a bit of extra added weight to his argument.

Have set out with Riders to Helm's Deep, where hopefully will get to kill lots of Orcs. Have been given mail to wear, look nice, look really nice. Ach! Quell narcissism, Legolas, quell narcissism. 

Éowyn, Eomer's sister (I think, weird ways of describing relations to the King here) has been left in charge of Edoras. She'll do a good job, even though it was a bit odd for her to stay standing so still for so long. Thought only Elves could do that.

Off to Helm's Deep - and a battle. Funfunfun funfunfun.

This chapter's quite short, I know, but I REALLY need to reread the beginning of Two Towers and, besides, Helm's Deep onwards is my favourite bit and I want to write as much about it as possible. Reviews for this chapter welcome and gratefully received .


	4. Helm's Deep to Isengard

Thank you again to all who reviewed, I'm just sorry this took so long to write. Also, I know that other authors add notes to their reviewers, so I'm going to do that now:

To all and sundry - I've had requests for this to be posted on other sites, and I say, "yes, go right ahead as long as I'm properly credited and could I please have the URL for your site so I at least know where my fic is?"

Jess - I've read Cassie Claire's LOTR diaries, after Jeig gave me the link in a review here (ff.net). I didn't base this fic off of them, I just felt like ripping off Bridget Jones and chose LOTR because it's so popular at the moment. Why I chose Legolas is a mystery, I really can't think what it is about elf-boy that holds such appeal *muses on it for a bit*. Anyway, I advise anyone who likes this fic to read Cassandra Claire's 'Secret Diaries' as they're incredibly funny (funnier than this, IMHO). I also advise you to NOT eat or drink whilst reading them, as you're likely to either choke or spray your computer with food/drink and this isn't good.

Dru - you unleashed an Evil Plot Bunny (tm) on me. Now I've got ideas for a modern version of this fic bouncing around in my head, including Arwen and Aragorn as the Smug Married couple. What do you think people, when this is done should I go on to transport the Fellowship to the year 2002 and write Legolas' diary (I faithfully swear it will NOT be a Mary-Sue)?

Bimp Lizkit - yeah, the friendship between Legolas and Gimli bugs me too, but I'm sticking to Tolkien's works so the friendship has to be in there.

Narcissa - I would love for Legolas to kick Gimli (see above comment) but I just can't work out when to put it in. Possibly in Return of the King somewhere, not really sure - and it IS a bit non-Tolkien.

Enough of my self-indulgence, on with the fic...

Wait, hang on, the disclaimers and warnings: 

Don't own Lord of the Rings or Bridget Jones or Legolas (though he IS on my LOTR poster *grins*). This part is spoilersome for The Two Towers, so don't read if you don't want that book's plot revealed.

**March 2nd (later than last entry, natch) - on the way to Helm's Deep**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of weird things seen in the distance: well, I couldn't really count them, but there were a lot, hope they're on our side._

Giyah, I can't see properly! Well, I can, but someone's put a spell on the land to make everything seem misty, so seeing things in the distance is difficult. Suddenly feeling a strange compassion for non-Elves and their pathetic eyesight.

Am nearly at Helm's Deep, talk of a big battle ahead. As said before: funfunfun.

**March 3rd - Helm's Deep, after the battle, too busy killing Orcs to keep accurate, live record, though did manage to regularly update Orc Deathometer**

_No. of Orcs killed: 20 24 39 42; No. of Orcs Gimli killed: a pathetic 2 21 43 dammit!_

The battle of Helm's Deep has been fought and we kicked arse.

On the way to the fortress we discovered that there was a great host behind us, made up of Orcs who were burning and destroying everything behind them. Honestly, Orcs have no sense of subtlety or class. 

Anyway, we reached Helm's Deep and then had to wait for the Orcs to get there. You'd think they'd know that I haven't killed anything since Emyn Muil - which was eight days ago [1] - and would make an effort to get here so I can take out my homicidal feelings on them, but nooo, they decided to take their time about it. Stupid Orcs, leaving me with nothing to do but sit on a wall and listen to Gimli going on about how good the rocks are here. Thought of giving him a pebble to play with, but didn't want him going on about how wonderful the pebbles here are as well.

When the Orcs finally got here - they were a lot quicker in Moria! - it was gone midnight and there was a storm on the way. It announced itself with a flash of lightning which showed us just how many Orcs we were facing in a wonderfully dramatic way. It started to chuck it down, and the Orcs were firing arrows but we, crafty and wily old foxes that we are, lulled them into a false sense of security by not doing anything. Sure, a few Riders got shot, but we had to trick the enemy so it was worth it (or so they say...)

The Orcs were fooled and made a big ruckus as they charged forwards, to be met with arrows and stones. This dampened their spirits just a little, but didn't stop them attacking again. Attack...retreat...attack...retreat...made me feel sick just watching them. Then they got battering rams and thereby showed more intelligence than I thought they possessed as a race, let alone a small group of individuals. 

Éomer and Aragorn then confirmed that Men, though valiant, have a tendency to be hot-headed and do stupid, non-Elfist things like, for example, leading a small group of swordsmen against the entire Orc host. Sure, they drove them back momentarily, but if Gimli hadn't turned up, Éomer would have been killed (Gimli saved his life and decapitated two Orcs, all at once, pretty good). I killed 20 Orcs in that first attack, though I ran out of arrows and getting some more from the Riders involved a great deal of arguing and, I'm almost ashamed to admit, threatening on my part. It wasn't that bad, I just pointed out that I carried two very sharp Elvish knives and if they didn't want said knives meeting their stomachs, they should give me some arrows. Don't know why people are so Elfist!

The Orcs then showed that they do indeed possess intelligence after they created a Diversion, in the form of a load of Orcs trying to scale the walls. Lots of them were shot, and there was a big ole pile forming at the foot of the walls, but they kept coming. The reason for this was revealed when we realised a load of Orcs had slipped in UNDER THE BACK WALL!! I thought this place was a well defended fortress, not somewhere where the enemy had been given a back door key for emergencies! Ch, stupid Men.

_Orc Deathometer at this point: me 24, Gimli 21._

Aragorn comes under the heading of 'stupid Man' for some of his actions. Oh yes, they're definitely brave, but foolhardy doesn't begin to describe them. All this staying behind to fight and ensuring that everyone else gets through is insane, in my opinion. Look at what happened in Moria, he and Frodo almost fell into shadow when those stairs started to collapse. Though, admittedly, that episode highlighted the stupidity/insanity of the entire group, as we chose not to send Frodo over first. Why is it that we always seemed to leave Frodo behind, just so he could then get impaled? I think we're all stupid. 

But Aragorn's the most stupid...

Not really, 'tis a brave man who holds off the enemy, almost single handed. After everyone else had retreated into the hold, he remained behind, and I stayed with him to make sure the idiot wasn't completely outnumbered. Of course, what use I was with only one arrow is a bit of a mystery, even to me, and if the Riders hadn't thrown a boulder down and squished a load of Orcs we - or, rather, Aragorn - would be in a lot of trouble.

Inside the hold, the Hornburg, we found out that Gimli was still outside. He'd most likely made it to the caves (bet he was happy there, crazy Dwarf) which was a shame as I wanted to know how many Orcs he'd killed: I doubt he'd matched my 39. But, underneath the annoyance at not being able to brag, there was a bit of anxiety as to whether he was alive or not. Great, am friends with a Dwarf.

It then transpired (ooh, good word that) that the Orcs had some sort of blasting fire and had used it to gain the wall. We still managed to go for a little wall top tour, which ended in Aragorn and the Orcs having a slanging match over the gates. He was getting all "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, you'd better bow down to me or I'll have your heads" on them - not that they paid much attention to him, being disrespectful Orcs - when he turned on his heel and ran back to the Hornburg. They, of course, took this is a sign of weakness, being idiots, and broken down the doors. They were about to come charging in when there was this rumbling noise which was most definitely NOT thunder. Because, after all, thunder doesn't sound like a lot of voices yelling in an unknown language. Follow this up with the horn of Helm and the Orcs were getting a little afraid.

Then Aragorn and Théoden and Éomer and all the lords of the House of Eorl the Young and me went on this wickedy[2] charge through the gates and up to the Dike, where we found a really weird site awaited us: trees. Lots of trees where once there had been plains. Huh.

It was Gandalf (who else) who had done all of this, and he got a nice dramatic entrance - again - appearing on the ridge opposite bathed in sunlight. Needless to say, we all cheered and the Orcs all panicked, especially when the horn of Helm was blown again. In their hysteria they dropped their weapons and ran into the trees, which was probably a mistake.

Met up with Gimli, who'd killed 43 Orcs. I'd killed 42, am v. annoyed with self. 

**March 4th - on the way to Isengard**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0, they're in that weird forest; No. of hours Gimli went on about the caves: 4, if that doesn't send an Elf off to 'sleep' I don't know what will._

That forest is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life! And its like the trees are all incredibly stroppy about something and fully intend for you to KNOW that they're stropped. It wasn't nice riding through there, especially with Gimli sitting behind me, on the verge of hysterics. He panicked like nobody's business when tried to ride back into the trees. Gandalf told me not to, so I stopped, being a well behaved Elf.

Things are getting weirder and weirder: first those trees were alive, as in actually living beings that can move and stuff, now the river's making noises when it was previously silent (am currently in camp, listening to Gimli snore and Aragorn mutter things along the lines of "I'm Isildur's heir, I am"). Have funny feeling that this whole quest is likely to end with me being declared officially insane thanks to my experiences so far.

**March 5th - Isengard**

_No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of hobbits found: 2, I'm going to KILL the little gits!_

We finally reached Isengard at around noon, to find that not only was it in need of some serious repair work but that Ents had decided to turn it into their very own holiday home. But that wasn't what was truly shocking...

Merry and Pippin were just sitting there, calm as you please, one asleep and the other smoking. To think, I travel I don't know how many leagues, fight a huge battle, put up with Elfist comments and cope with Gimli's "caves are great" lecture, all in the space of nine days, searching for the little blighters, and I find them relaxing on a pile of rocks as if nothing's happened! Were I a less controlled Elf I'd've jumped off my horse and banged their heads together.

(Partially) forgave them when they gave me alcohol.

Am turning into my father. 

Anyway, Merry and Pippin told us everything that had happened to them: they'd escaped from Orcs, met up with Ents, Ents had got 'hasty' (?????) and gone to battle, taking the hobbits with them. Hobbits had then had the treat of seeing the Ents destroy Isengard. Gandalf turned up on the night of the battle and took some Huorns with him - they're the things that formed the forest. Pippin was upset that Gandalf had yelled at him, though hid it beneath sarcastic comments.

After lunch we went and had a nice little chat with Saruman for our after meal entertainment. It was certainly entertaining, with him using his voice to trick stupid Men into believing stupid things. As am Elf, am above such silly mind tricks, but Men are weak and highly susceptible. However, they snapped out of it when Gandalf proved that he is now The Most Powerful Wizard On Middle Earth So There by not only ordering Saruman the Formerly Most owerful Wizard Latterly Twisted Evil One about, but also breaking his staff without even touching it. This annoyed that rat Wormtongue - who, Merry and Pippin told us, had gone to Isengard and been sent over to the tower by Treebeard - who threw a stone down at Gandalf. Aim was awful, so missed and fell in puddle instead. Pippin picked up stone, because is stupid hobbit who doesn't know Palantir when he sees one. Nothing good can come of this...

**Night time, same day**

Was right, nothing good came of Pippin picking up that stone. He stole it from Gandalf - a move of great craftiness and bravery - and looked in it, getting to have a nice little chat with Sauron for his troubles. Now Gandalf has taken Pippin and is riding off somewhere, in great speed because one of those flying Nazgul things flew overhead. War is on the way. War = more battles = more stuff for me to kill.

[1] For those of you who aren't familiar with the Middle Earth calendars, each month only has thirty days, so from 26th Feb - 3rd March is eight days inclusive, not me being hopeless at counting days.

[2] Yes, I did add a 'y' to 'wickedy'. It's one of the many words I use which seem nonsensical but are actually pretty fun to say. And if Rozz reads this, the 'crafty and wily old foxes' is a reference to our one and only classics teacher ("I'd like to talk to Homer over a pint of beer, he seems like a beer person to me! The wily old fox that he was"). 

There, the end of another chapter and the first part of Two Towers. This was a bit more detailed than the first chapters because SO much happens in this bit of the book. Hopefully I managed to be funny as well as accurate; I'd like to know, so review please.


	5. Hornburg (again) to the Black Gate

Right, sorry to have spent so long over this, but I've only just finished reading LOTR for the first time (finished during break last Tuesday, actually). And then I had EVIL Chemistry and Nasty English work to do, so this has taken ages. However, I think it's going to take about one more part after this one to finish the books. 

Thanks again to all who reviewed. 

LOTR lover - nope, not nagging, though your review did make me force myself to really knuckle down and get this finished.

Midnightrogue - I laughed out loud at your review. Mum yelled at me. Am blaming you.

And for those of you who wanted Legolas to kick Gimli: he does.

Disclaimers: nope, still don't own LOTR (which won the Empire award for Best Film and five Baftas, yay!) or Bridget Jones or Legolas (Orlando Bloom got the award for Best Debut, double yay! Even if Billy Boyd did get stropped about Empire giving the award to "Mr Cheekbones").

**March 6th - Hornburg**

_No. of Rangers who joined us: 31; No. of other Elves: 2, Elrond's sons, poor, poor brunettes._

Have retreated to the Hornburg on way to muster of Rohan. Have been joined by creepy Rangers. They really do creep me out, all tall and dark and brooding, like they think its attractive to seem evil and/or sulky when you're actually kind-hearted. What's even creepier is that they seemed to be able to read Aragorn's thoughts, because he wished for them to be here and hey, here they are. And Elrond's sons are here, no doubt to prove that they are just as good, if not better, as blond Mirkwood Elves. They've got a hope, we're the best. 

Is that narcissism, pride, arrogance or a bit of all three?

Elrond evidently hopes to outdo even Galadriel in 'guiding' events, sending advice to Aragorn along the lines of 'remember the Paths of the Dead'. Yeah, 'cos that makes sense. Well, it seemed to make sense to Aragorn, as did the present of a standard from Galadriel (obviously not wanting to be outdone by Elrond, there's such rivalry between Elvish ringbearers it's bordering on pathetic).

Aragorn left an hour or so ago. Offered to go with him, as he looked depressed and the last thing we need is the King of Gondor chucking himself off the roof of the Hornburg because he can't take the stress any longer. He declined my offer but took Halbarad instead. Am losing friend to Ranger, who happens to be an old friend of his. Great, am not only Dwarfist narcissist but am selfish as well. 

Hang on, have to wake Merry and Gimli up.

_Three quarters of an hour later_

Stupid fools wouldn't wake up. Granted they're probably feeling pretty tired after everything that's happened, but we all are so its not much of an excuse. 

Was disturbed by the fact that Gimli sucks his thumb. Eventually got him up by kicking him a couple of dozen times and calling him a "stupid, lazy Dwarf". He woke up in a rage, swore at me in Dwarvish and threatened to cut my legs off at the knee. Must say that that was pretty scary, if only because Gimli's beard looked a mess.

Merry was easier to wake up, fortunately. Didn't really feel like kicking a Hobbit, seems a bit mean to me. Kicking Dwarves on the other hand is allowed as they're Dwarves. Anyway, Gimli started blathering on about those bloody caves again and began pestering me about visiting them. Managed to shut him up by promising to visit them after this is all over. Stupid thing to say but had to stop him before he delivered another four hour lecture, which would, most likely, send Merry back to sleep.

Unfortunately, I mentioned Galadriel's name in connection with Elrond's sons deciding to join us, and that set Gimli off. Must remember to write letter to Galadriel about encouraging Dwarves by being nice to them. Gimli then asked why we didn't wish for Dwarves and Elves to turn up, as Aragorn had wished for his friends. I pointed out that we could hardly do that, as they were needed in their own homes because war was happening everywhere. Mostly true, but I was also thinking that I couldn't take more Dwarves raving on about those caves.

Am now setting off with Aragorn to take the Paths of the Dead. This involves a trip under a mountain, which is just great as I do so love being underground, especially with Gimli who will no doubt bore me silly by going on about the rock formation or whatever it is Dwarves find so fascinating. Will get revenge by teaching him as many different names for as many different trees as I can think of, even if I have to make them up!

Aragorn has looked into the Palantir and revealed himself to Sauron, so now Sauron knows that Isildur's heir is alive and well and preparing to kick arse. Sauron was probably annoyed to see the Sword again, as Sword is the same one that made glove wearing a bit of a problem for him.

And now I'm off to the Paths of the Dead, but will stop off at Dunharrow on way. No doubt will see Éowyn flirting outrageously with Aragorn again. Must remember to write to Arwen and tell her.

**March 7th - Dunharrow**

_No. of times Éowyn made eyes at Aragorn: lost count; No. of times she whined about not being able to go and fight: 6._

Bloody Éowyn. First, she gawps at Aragorn then she says she's never seen better-looking Elves than Elrond's sons and then she has the nerve to tell Aragorn he's being an idiot. Surely she understands that he is King and happens to have a good idea of what he's doing. Besides, he's nervous enough as it is, the last thing he needs is some infant (for she is an infant to me, just as Aragorn's a kid, ha, am so much older than everyone else) telling him what to do and generally lowering his morale. 

Overheard whole thing, including Éowyn's insistence that she go and fight. Correction, her whining that she should go and fight. Even when Aragorn pointed out that she had a duty to perform by staying and looking after her people, she kept going on and on about how unfair her life was. She obviously hasn't heard about Arwen, who can kick serious arse when she wants to but does not whine when her father tells her that today she must stay home and not go gallivanting about the countryside dunking Ring Wraiths in rivers. Have no problem with women fighting, but do have problem with them whining, is not the right way to go about it. My opinion of Éowyn was not improved when she said that the only reason any of us were going with Aragorn was because we loved him. Yeah, he's a good friend, but there's also going to be a big battle and I need to kill stuff, so its a perfect excuse.

**March 8th - Erech**

I've been through the Paths of the Dead and Gimli was afraid.

I've been through the Paths of the Dead and Gimli was afraid.

Allow me a while to laugh at the whole situation. A Dwarf, afraid to be underground, and an Elf happy to be there? 

The journey was creepy though, I'll admit that. It didn't help that Aragorn was annoyed with me and Gimli for eavesdropping on him last night, however innocent we may have looked and however much we may have protested that we hadn't been dropping no eave, as Sam would say. 

As for the Paths of the Dead... 

Creepy. 

We set out before dawn, which meant the forest was dark and Gimli got freaked. We reached the Dark Door and all the Men looked scared. Don't know why, I wasn't afraid, but maybe that's because I'm immortal so death is something that happens to other peoples. Didn't help that Arod (my horsey!) refused to go in, so I had to sing him into it. Felt so self-conscious, singing in front of all those people, but if Aragorn can break into song at the slightest provocation, so can I. 

I eventually got Arod inside, which left Gimli, who had a strop and came stamping inside because I had gone in and he hadn't and it was an affront to his Dwarvish pride. 

We'd been walking for a while when I got the shock of my life: hands reaching out of the darkness and grabbing my waist. Blessed Elfin self-control stopped me screaming something along the lines of "aieeeee!" and I turned round, knife at the ready. 

"Its me," Gimli muttered. "I'm scared Master Elf." 

"Are you indeed?" 

"Yes." 

"Well, what d'you expect me to do, I'm not holding your hand!" 

"Didn't ask it Master Elf! But, could you tell me of Lothlorien and the Lady?" 

"Will it help?" 

"Yes." 

I rolled my eyes - which he, fortunately, couldn't see in the darkness - but did so anyway. I know way too many stories, and was happy to unload a few to Gimli. I did so as quietly as possible, because Aragorn had told us to be quiet, but Gimli and I were near the back and the other Rangers weren't going to dob us in. It was either me telling stories or Gimli having hysterics. 

Then Aragorn spotted something up ahead and went to investigate, which made Gimli have a definite panic attack and grab my tunic, evidently intending to tear it he was tugging so hard. He chose to see why Aragorn had spotted and went to look, forgetting to let go of me, which meant I was being towed along by the Dwarf as I held onto Arod's reins. 

I've said it before but I'll say it again: STUPID DWARF! 

Aragorn then started yelling to the darkness. There was something there, I could feel it, but it was still a bit weird for him to apparently be hollering at nothing. 

Only there was something, and it was pretty annoyed because it blew our torches out. V. childish, in my opinion. After that it was about an hour before we got out, and Gimli ended up crawling along, crashing into my legs and nearly sending me flying. Felt urge to kick him again, but it would be a bit mean. 

We got outside two hours before sunset, but we were in a chasm and the stars were visible. Gimli was dangerously close to gibbering and I didn't think he'd want to ride, but he made no complaint as he was helped onto the horse, though he did resort to clinging onto me for dear life. As we set out I made the mistake of turning to look behind us, not a mistake for me but a mistake for Gimli. Why? The Dead were riding behind us, like shadows but of Men and horses in full battle regalia. I announced this to all and sundry, making Gimli whimper and bury his face in my back, and Elladan say that the Dead had been summoned. 

Aragorn can summon the Dead. Cool. 

We rode through the Valley and caused quite a stir. 'Quite a stir'? That's putting it mildly, we scared everyone, not just because of the Dead but because the Rangers aren't the friendliest looking people on Middle Earth and Gimli was swearing in Dwarvish for a good deal of the time, which is enough to scare anyone away. 

We reached the Stone and Aragorn blew and echoes replied. Not echoes like echoes, echoes like...no, that's wrong. It was like the people replying were mere echoes, which meant their horns sounded like mere echoes. Everything about them is an echo of life (ooh, deep). 

Aragorn told the Oathbreakers off for breaking their Oath and not fighting, but they agreed to keep their Oath this time. He got all archaic on them - only Elves may speak archaic, all Elrond's fault he got an Elfin education - and had another "I am Elessar" moment - more names! He has so many names - but the Dead didn't seem to mind. We set out, with them behind us, riding into the night. 

**March 10th - riding**

_No. of times the sun rose: 0_

You take things for granted, you know. Like, air and water and grass and sunlight. There's no sunlight, the sun has not risen, there was no dawn, this is the Dawnless Day. 

Is v. bad day. 

**March 13th - Pelargir**

_No. of gulls heard on shore: 1, oops_

Haven't written in a while, sorry 'bout that, but you haven't missed much, just riding and riding and Gimli complaining and riding. 

The Darkness of Mordor seems to be recharging the Dead, they're looking more solid, less grey. Well, they still are grey, being dead, but they look like they've got some substance in them. They got a bit big for their boots and tried to overtake us, but Aragorn called them back. Wow, he can control even the Dead. Can Sauron do that? I think not (I hope not anyway). 

When we reached the ford, there was a battle going on, Umbar and Harad v. Lamedon. Everyone but the Lord of Lamedon did a runner when they saw the dead. LoL agreed to follow us and we set out over the green fields. Well, they were MEANT to be green, but they were grey. Either there's evil afoot or those folk songs are liars. 

Then got too near the sea. Heard sea birds. Damn. 

There were fifty black ships - why black? What is it with Dark Lords, or would-be-Dark-Lords, and black? - at Pelargir and we kind of, um, borrowed them. We had to fight for them, because their owners weren't willing to share, even though we promised to have them back in good condition as soon as we could. Although owners were nasty Haradrim, so what else should we have expected? We had the Dead with us though, and they did most of the fighting, then left. 

So now we're sailing to Gondor. At least, I'm sailing, Gimli's too busy being sick over the railings. 

**March 15th - Gondor**

_No. of Orcs killed - lost count after the first couple of hundred_

Got to Pelennor Field just in time. Arrived on ships, jumped off ships and scared several Orcs. Then killed several hundred Orcs. Overall, a satisfying day. 

Later, when battle lust had worn off 

Was not satisfying day. I mean, we won, yatter yatter yatter, but we also lost several important people, ranging from: 

King Théoden - who was struck down in a charge. Shame, nice man. 

Denethor - Boromir's father, who went a little bit mad with depression and tried to burn himself and his remaining son alive. Gandalf saved Faramir but not Denethor. 

Merry and Éowyn - weren't killed but did try to take on the Witch King on their own. OK, so, they won, but they also got pretty hurt in the process. Am sorry for everything I said about Éowyn, she's still cold, in my opinion, but she's tough. 

So, Éowyn is tough, a Witch King killer and beautiful. Arwen is tough, a Nazgul dunker and beautiful. Éowyn is human, Arwen's an Elf. Aragorn respects Éowyn but loves Arwen. Well, Arwen wins, marginally. 

**March 16th - Houses of Healing**

_No. of Hobbits seen: 2._

Went to the Houses of Healing and had a good time reciting anecdotes with Merry and Pippin. Gimli actually admitted to being afraid of the caves, is a smart little Dwarf after all. Will pay him back by going to see those glittering caves at the Hornburg. 

It isn't over yet, though. Soon we ride to Mordor. Soon we go to fight Sauron himself. Oh, Elendil, why oh why oh why did I agree to this one? I haven't questioned my sanity for a while, but now I really feel it's necessary. What am I doing? I've definitely gone mad this time. 

**March 18th - setting out from Minas Tirith**

Am definitely insane. Have definitely spent too long in Dwarf caves, is seriously affecting my judgement. 

**March 19th - Morgul-Vale**

_No. of towers burnt: 1. Am narcissistic Dwarfist with pyromania._

Today we reached Morgul-Vale. Nasty, horrid, filthy, Nazgul infested place. We burnt it. It was fun. 

**March 20th - on the road to Mordor**

_No. of times ambushed: 1; no. of ambushes put down: 1, they'll not be trying that one agai_n. 

Getting closer to Mordor, getting closer to Mordor, getting closer to Mordor. What d'you mean scared? I ain't scared, just a little nervous. 

Yeah, keep telling yourself that Legolas. 

**March 23rd **

The faint hearted - if its fair to call them that - have been dismissed to Cair Andros, leaving us with 6000 to march on Mordor. Hmm, 6000 against I don't know how many Orcs, those are odds I like. 

Seriously, though, it suddenly dawned on me that fewer of us and more of them means we have to kill more of them, which means I get to kill more of them. Am not scared anymore, am in sort of homicidal happy. 

Am scaring Gimli. 

**March 24th - Desolation of the Morannon**

Am in too much of homicidal, won't-it-be-fun-to-kill-some-Orc mood to write clearly, but will just say that when they call this place 'desolate' they mean it. 

**March 25th - Black Gate**

Messenger of Mordor produced Frodo's belongings. Messenger said that we could have Frodo back in exchange for us walking away with our tails between our legs and letting him be our tyrant. Yeah, right, can really see that one happening. Gandalf disagreed as well, so the Messenger sprang his trap: hundreds of thousands of Orcs and other evil beings surrounded us, as the Nazgul flew overhead. We're surrounded, completely, and, oh look, cave trolls to make everything better. 

I believe I speak for all of us when I say: oh, bugger. 

And that's where I'll leave it, as that's what Tolkien does in the book. Please review, not best pleased with this chapter. 


	6. The Black Gate to the end

I know I said that I wouldn't do any writing until after my exams, etc, etc, but I cracked. Combination of need for stress relief, my friend returning my copy of ROTK (she read nearly all the appendices!) and me borrowing the LOTR: FOTR soundtrack and listening to it continuously (its beautiful and highly recommended). 

Anyway, enough plugs for LOTR products, this is the last part of the official diary. I might write a seventh part to link on to my modern diary, not sure at the moment, but this version stays true to Tolkien's work. I don't own LOTR or anything connected with it, but this diary is mine, except for the format which is pure Bridget Jones. 

And two warnings: ENDING of ROTK revealed; and Arwen-bashing (hehehe!). 

**March 25th - still at the Black Gate (you think we had the chance to move?)**

Oh shitshitshit! Oh Elendil! Oh help are we ever in trouble. Orcs and trolls and Nazgul oh my! Help! 

Calmed down a bit now and...oh great, Pippin just got squashed by a troll! That stupid Hobbit, only he'd be that idiotic. 

"The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming!" 

Wah? Am I back at the Battle of Five Armies [1]? I was there you know, because my father was in a right mood about some Dwarves who'd done a runner and...hang on, one of them was Gimli's father. Great, we have a minor family connection: my father locked his father in a dungeon. What can I say but 'oops'? 

Ah, yes, the battle here and the mortal danger we're in. I'm suddenly very aware that Elves can die in a battle. 

And also very aware that Aragorn's just standing there doing nothing! Yeah, am sure that if we just ignore the Orcs they'll go away. As for Gandalf - he's the one yelling about Eagles. And so are other people. What's going on? Has Frodo managed it after all? 

And there _are_ Eagles. Bloody big ones at that. Think the Orcs are a little surprised by that. As are the Nazgul, because the Eagles are attacking them. And they're running - flying - away, into Mordor, because - 

"Did you hear that Master Elf?" Gimli yelled to me. 

"What, that awful, terrifying and cold screech?" 

"Yes." 

"Yes, I think its He Who Lost His Ring And Is Rather Pissed Off About It." 

The Orcs evidently thought it was Sauron too, because they suddenly seemed a lot less sure of themselves. Scared shitless is actually a better description. As for us? We all seemed to feel like a huge weight had been lifted from our shoulders and were preparing to leap in and commit Yrchin genocide when Gandalf stopped us. Since he became the White he's been no fun at all. 

Its the hour of Doom apparently, and an earthquake! Ha, everyone else is wobbling about and some are falling over, but am Elf so can stay on feet at all times. Excuse me a moment while I push one of Elrond's sons of balance and laugh. There, feel much better now. 

Speaking of falling over, the Black Gate and the Towers of Teeth are starting to do just that. And some sort of huge black cloud is billowing up out of Mordor, as if the whole world's on fire and that's the smoke which has somehow formed itself into a hand. I think said hand would dearly like to wring our necks but it can't reach and is blown away in a breeze, which proves that it wasn't the most effective last attempt at an attack. 

And now all the Orcs are running away! That's unfair, I've been in a homicidal mood all day and I have nothing to kill? Would take it out on Gimli but Aragorn'll just yell at me. And there's no way I'm going to risk the wrath of Elrond by killing his sons. Damn, homicidal tendencies foiled again. 

Gandalf's just flown off on an Eagle, now there's something you don't see everyday! 

Well, I guess we've won. 

**March 25th - later**

Pippin wasn't dead, a fact which I spent a good hour trying to hammer home to Gimli who seemed determined to have hysterics over a death that never happened. He _says_ that he could have torn his beard out but I know for a fact that there was a little bit of no-bladed shaving going on on that battlefield. 

And Frodo did his job properly, managed to find Mount Doom ("its that mountain dominating the horizon and spouting flame, can't miss it") and throw the Ring in. At least, I think that's what happened, will have to ask him when he and Sam wake up. 

**April 6th - Field of Cormallen**

_No. of Hobbits who got the longest lie in ever: 2, Frodo and Sam._

The Fellowship is reunited, hurrah and hooray. I'm actually serious, don't know why no one thought I was being sincere when I said that. 

After the reunions and the whole 'Aragorn's King now and he's changed his name AGAIN' shock for the two Hobbits, we got down to the important business of telling our stories to each other. Nothing like sitting up late and having a good old boast about one's adventures. (excuse me, I may be a little drunk) 

The Tale of Frodo and Sam is as follows: 

They walked, they walked some more, they fell down a cliff and then they walked a little bit more. Gollum found them, Frodo got him to trust him but Sam didn't trust Gollum. They walked some more, then a little further until they met Faramir, Boromir's brother and Eowyn's Aragorn substitute (pardon me for being cynical). Anyway, Faramir's The Good Guy and he was nice and didn't take the Ring. He let Frodo and Sam go and they walked some more, climbed some stairs and then walked right into the lair of Shelob, the mother of all spiders who was scared off by the light Galadriel gave Frodo. She came back, however, and bit Frodo (Shelob, not Galadriel, she's too well-bred to bite a Hobbit) and Sam thought Frodo was dead so took the Ring in a desperate attempt to complete the quest; he thought he was the only living Fellowship member left. Then Sam was very silly and put the Ring on IN MORDOR and watched as Frodo was captured by Orcs and taken to Cirith Ungol. Sam realised that Frodo was merely knocked out and mounted a Daring Rescue which was not actually that daring because the Orcs had obligingly killed one another before he turned up. All he had to do was rescue Frodo and run. So, Frodo and Sam walked into Mordor and walked...and walked...and walked...and reached Mount Doom where Frodo went mildly power mad and decided that he'd rather keep the Ring himself. Gollum turned up and decided that, no, he wanted the Ring. And then Sauron finally realised that there was this weird short creature in his back garden about to dispose of his favourite toy and sent the Nazgul to get it back. Unfortunately, they were too late: Gollum bit off Frodo's finger with the Ring attached and fell into the Fires of Mount Doom. Mordor fell to pieces, Frodo and Sam were rescued by Eagles and ended up back at the Field of Cormallen where they learnt that Aragorn was King and had changed his name AGAIN! Phew, quite a story that. 

**Mid-Year's Day - a bloody wedding**

Now don't think I'm against weddings, per se, just that I could've done without Arwen being involved, even if she is the bride. I got very, very pissed off with her and her running about, babbling about how happy she was. I suppose it was quite unfair of me to trip her up as she ran past but, heh, it got a laugh out of everyone else. 

I'm also annoyed that I was fool enough to promise to visit those caves with Gimli, because there's nothing to stop us now. Damn, am complete fool! 

**July 19th - leaving Gondor**

Funeral procession all very sombre, except Arwen who won't stop bouncing about and saying that she's Queen now. So what? Have been royalty much longer than her, besides, am much more popular. And blond! And better looking! And narcissistic! 

Not really something to be proud of that last. 

**August 18th - Helm's Deep**

_No. of times made to eat own words: 1, didn't enjoy it._

OK, the caves were spectacular, bravo Gimli, he was right, I was wrong. 

Not that I'm admitting this out loud of course. 

**August 22nd - off to Fangorn and my revenge, mwahaha!**

Today I exact my revenge on Gimli by dragging him off to Fangorn. Yay, so happy I could dance in circles; which I have done, just to confirm that I'm completely off my rocker. 

On sadder note, Fellowship is breaking up again. Am sure we will get back together again some day, discuss the good old days over a cup of tea and some biscuits, but Gimli sees less certain. Stupid Dwarf. 

**And finally...**

As I feel that we are at the end of our adventures, of the quest which has proved once and for all that I am completely mad and should by rights be locked up and never let out, I feel it is time to take stock of all that has happened to us. The tolls are as follows: 

_No. of dead Fellowship members: 1, Boromir; no. of Fellowship members who came back from the dead: Gandalf, the wily old coot; no. of times I nearly killed Gimli: too many to count; no. of orcs killed: hundreds, I couldn't keep an accurate count at Pelennor fields (I tried to but Aragorn made me lost count by telling me off for counting out loud); no. of times Aragorn yelled at me: 7, am not happy; no. of times I was right and Aragorn was wrong: 1, v. proud of that; no. of Hobbits who are taller than they should be: 2, Merry and Pippin; no. of people corrupted by the Ring: 5, Gollum, Boromir, Saruman, Frodo and Bilbo, which proves its evil._

In conclusion...we're all lunatics, but we did save Middle Earth so I guess we've got that to be happy about. 

[1] See _The Hobbit_. 

And there ends the official bit of the fic. I know I missed out a lot of the appendices, like Mirkwood being attacked by Orcs and the real end of the Fellowship, but I felt that this was a bit too sad for me to write. Might do it if I write a part 7, which would compare Tolkien's version to what actually happened; you'll have to read my 2002 edition to understand that *cough*shameless plug*cough*. Anyway, that's pretty much the end, thanks to everyone who reviewed, it was really nice to get so much encouragement. I am now off to work on my site (narcissisticelf.net) and to try and pass my A-Levels (which is the most important thing, honest!). 


End file.
